Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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