dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize