Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
