I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
