Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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