I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
