I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
