I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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