I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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