You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
