She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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