I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
