He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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