My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
