Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
