I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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