you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
