mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
