I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
