I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
