DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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