I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
