Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
