Plan B is the new Plan A
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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