i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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