how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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