I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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