Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
