i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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