dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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