I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
