I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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