I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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