He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
