I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
