i just sent this text using only my big toe
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
