Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
