This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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