I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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