I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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