he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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