the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
