The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
