My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
