why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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