On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
