I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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