I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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