I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
