There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
