I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
