Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
