Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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