Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
