someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
