the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
