Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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