you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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